When I got busy, I got better

December 10, 2023

It is December and I have not done a blog post since October. I have written every day, but in my intense grief, I have felt like what I write is too raw or too painful to share with others outside of my trusted writing group. Sometimes, I can only share with myself and my higher power in my journal. A dear friend and long-term mentor asked me this week what is working for me as I continue to move forward in my grief. I told her 3 things that really stand out: 1) exercise 2) supportive friends who accept me as messy as I am 3) service work.

No matter how awful or great I feel on any given morning, I try to start my day with at least a short yoga session. At my age, I need to lubricate my joints and stretch my muscles in the morning so that I am not stiff. It works well for me to go upstairs with my cup of coffee and roll out my mat. I do it as part of my muscle memory at this point and the routine is part of what is comfortable and familiar from before Alex died. On a good day, I also go for a walk after work or head to the gym for a short session. With the sunset before 5 pm, I am less successful with bookending my day with a walk due to getting home late, but it is my goal. What I realize after years of experience is that I always feel better and sleep more soundly if I get exercise on a regular basis.

I am blessed to have a handful of very close friends I can talk to about Alex or how I am doing with all the extra administrative tasks he left me.  In addition, I have 3 support groups I attend, a counselor I trust, and I take a writing class every Tuesday night where I can share my feelings openly. As my bandwidth waxes and wanes, I am sometimes able to do a few social things now. I saw a play at the school where I teach. I had dinner with a girlfriend one evening. Nick and I managed to go out for dinner with another couple this weekend. This is progress! Really, I have wanted to just hibernate under blankets or collapse in a heap, sobbing on the floor much of the time, but I slowly push myself to do a bit more than go to work and hit my regular meetings.

Lately, one of my favorite strategies for coping with my loss has been service work. For the past few years, I have volunteered at a local cemetery that fell into disrepair after Jim Crow era eminent domain took away the houses of the family members and made access to the cemetery difficult for the next 70 years. In the meantime, the surrounding community used it as a cut through to get to a nearby park, leading to deep erosion that was encroaching several of the unmarked graves. This fall I wrote a grant proposal to repair the hillside erosion, got the grant and organized 3 workdays to repair the hillside. Having both mental and physical investment in this project helped to distract me from my despair. Being mentally engaged in solving a problem and being part of the solution has helped me to stave off depression. It also has led to some well needed exercise of my muscles. Again, giving me a chance to exercise and an opportunity to spend hours at a time in the woods with a group of neighbors, high school and college students who wanted to help heal the land.

It might seem odd for me to spend hours at a time in a graveyard that houses souls I never met, but this project is within walking distance of my house, and it reminds me in a good way of my son. Alex loved the woods and was a boy scout. He was a camp counselor at a camp in rural Virginia. He also used to party there with some of his high school friends before the neighborhood got involved in trying to restore the dignity of the cemetery. My work there has given me the chance to find the intersection of exercise, good friendship, and service. It has been a win all the way around!